Are you working on your wood chopping technique for the SISU Iron? Have you been shaping your six pack (or practice drawing it on) for the Agoge? Did you accidentally sign up for the Barkley’s Marathon? If the answer you give me comes in the form of an animal noise, then you my friend are a brave soul. But bravery alone will not be enough to help you get that useless brick, railroad spike, or plastic skull at the end. You will need to be prepared and that is why the most important part of preparing for one of these grueling endurance challenges to shopping. There’s absolutely nothing you can’t do if you buy the right gear. Trust me on this, I get at least 3 boxes a day from Amazon and I have a six-pack to show for me.
Don’t Leave Home Without It
1. Aunt Nellie’s Pickled Beets. Sure, some of the most well-sponsored athletes drink BeetElite before their training sessions, races, and first dates, but there’s something better. My aunt Nellie makes a sick ass home-made jar of pickled beets. This is the freshest beets you can possibly buy that has only been sitting on the shelf for 2 years. I’ve never tasted it, but just reading about it cut my mile time down by 35 seconds.
2. Prevail Maximum Absorbency Underwear, XXL 48 count. Once upon a time, someone by the name of Maguel* of the Wilf Peck had to take a shit in the waning hours of the 2014 World’s Toughest Mudder, but his teammate Hinter* did not give him permission to do so. So he shat his wetsuit. Friends don’t let friends shit themselves…unless that friend is wearing protection. I’ve tried 3 different brands of adult underwear and find that these Prevail Maximum Absorbency Underwear work the best. Although I usually wear a size S in pants, I like the comfort of the XXL size because of its breathability. If I haven’t shat myself yet, I can also use the extra space to store my Oral-IV and granola bars. Don’t be alarmed by the 48 count pack. You will use them all and if you don’t, you’ll be the most popular kid at Camp Trask when you start handing them out at 6 am.
*I changed the names to protect the identity of those involved in the shitting incident.
3. Banana + Banana Saver. Sure, they are packed full of potassium and have a low glycemic load, but you can always pop a pill and get all the potassium you need. Bananas are great for when monkeys attack you as you swim from one island to the next while dangling precariously onto a bamboo pole you had to cut down earlier with a toothbrush. Be sure you grab a banana saver, because where are you going to keep a half used banana? In your XXL adult underwear?
4. Life Size Brown Bear Cardboard Cutout. Be one with your surroundings. Or hide yourself when a bear smells your pickled beets and used XXL maximum absorbency underwear.
5. Leatherman Skeletool CX. Get a couple of these because you’ll inevitably forget to pack it in your checked luggage and will get it confiscated by TSA on the way to your event. Don’t settle for the non-CX version. It’s not as expensive, and its science that more expensive things are better always. These are also great for trimming hang nails.
And that’s all I’ll say on that subject. You now have everything you need to hang with the best of them. You want to see what happens when you show up unprepared? Don’t be like this guy.
Bonus Item: Criss Angel’s Ultimate Magic Kit. You’ll understand at the finish line.